Are you growing weary? I have had my moments too. As the sense of security slips away and the illusion of control transfers to a very clean kitchen and too many loaves of baked bread, I have had moments of a sort of existential tenuity.
What has come up in this time is an investigation into my urge to help others versus my human need for self-preservation and the wish to fulfill my own obligations to myself and do my work. When can I be selfish and when should I be helpful?
What is calling you in this time? Can you make a clearing for the hearing to catch those subtle sounds, the ones that require you to be quiet enough to hear? I implore you to listen, especially right now.
Why would one want to engage in this internal battle? Why would one want to face the demons, the self-destructive thoughts and tendencies? Why would one want to see the parts that have been suffocated? There is terror there. So then, why?
I was sappy this morning, full of a sort of emotional reckoning that seeped into my bones overnight as I slept – a settling of the many thoughts that passed through my brain yesterday as I searched into my history, into their lives. The gratitude is too much to contain and I do not seem to have the vocabulary to properly express it. There is a debt I owe, best paid back by living as well as I can, keeping in mind the privilege bestowed upon me, mostly by chance. The privilege of being able to turn over the stones, look beneath and bring to light what I learn there.
I have been thinking lately in a different sort of way. It is not the kind of thinking that is trying to solve problems but can be best described as pondering. I step into nature for a break and let my mind wander into the places it wants to go, sort of like letting a kid out of the house to play after the homework is finished. You know what I have found there? All I need to know in that moment.
Learning to hear what is calling us is not as hard as we think it may be. Think about what brings you joy and go from there; listen to the quiet pull. And keep listening because it keeps calling, even when we think we have arrived.
Why should we love ourselves? As I mentioned in my last blog post, I believe with all of my being that each of us has a purpose to live into and are called to be the best versions of ourselves in order to do that. Living into our potential is also our greatest reward because when we are using our gifts to their capacity, we feel whole. Loving ourselves is part of this equation.
As far back as I can remember, I have always been 100% certain that each of us has a unique purpose in life, a gift, and that when we find it and live into it we feel whole. I still believe this, more than ever now.
After decades of trying to fit into that square hole, I am finally letting go of the idea that I have a sleep disorder. Even though I read Walker’s book over a year ago, I am just now deciding to try finding my natural sleep rhythm.
We are all at risk for disease (cancer, diabetes, infection, dementia, etc.) so why not focus on prevention before we have symptoms? Why would we wait until we are in a disease state? What holds us back from doing that? Perhaps it is the same reason many of us don't start saving for retirement in our 20's: we cannot imagine ourselves at 70 years old and often make an assumption that all will be fine because we are fine now.